Heavy

These days I feel off, unsure almost. I have a draft saved about how I’ve overcome my depression, why I was depressed, how I dealt with it and how I feel genuinely happy now. I didn’t publish it obviously and I’m not sure why or if I’m even going to… All of a sudden, my heart and my mind feel so heavy and my happiness is a blur. What does happiness feel like again? I feel really exhausted… This whole weekend has been so chaotic and my eyes just feel so heavy, I don’t feel like myself. This darkness is consuming me and I’m not sure who turned the switch off for it to even come near me. Just two days ago I was happy and my smile lit up the whole room, at least that’s what I thought. Whenever I feel like this my mind wanders off into the deepest crevices. I start having racing thoughts and I start to panic and it feels like my heart is beating so fast it’s going to burst and somehow time seems to slow down at that same moment, I’m not sure how to explain it or if anyone else has experienced this feeling that never fails to boggle my mind. My mind finally calms down and it goes on this airplane mode where I just space out, I stop thinking specifically and it just dozes off, I’m stuck. I’ve been trying to figure out where I’m stranded and then I ask myself a question, one that scares me, scares me because I think I know the answer but I wish I didn’t… Did I really overcome my depression? Or was my mind just on airplane mode for a little while and now I’m back on? So what does happiness feel like? Is it supposed to be temporary? Is it finding someone who can relate to whatever it is you’re going through so that you’re not alone? Is happiness possible being alone? Is happiness the slight change of tone in someone’s voice when they mention someone they care about? Is happiness that bubbly, nerve wrecking feeling in the pit of your stomach? Or is it extinct? Does is it even exist? Am I searching for something that can’t or doesn’t want to be found? Maybe that’s just the darkness consuming my thoughts and even though I sound so negative all I can think of, is a way to light up my path to get out of this dark abyss that seems to have no end.

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3 thoughts on “Heavy

  1. You are overcoming your depression! When it tries to sneak back in you recognize it and push back. Was there a time when it consumed you and you didn’t see a way out – didn’t even think there was a way out? Today you remember happiness and you KNOW there’s a way out. Post the draft you have saved and refer to it often, remembering that YOU wrote that and YOU feel and can feel that way. You’re on your way!

    Liked by 1 person

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