I’m feeling really good about myself, my life and even though I’m unsure about what lays ahead of me, I’m genuinely happy. Maybe that isn’t a big deal to some of you, but it is a big step for me because it’s taken me quite some time to get to where I am, and to even feel this way and share it. I’ve struggled with depression since my mom died, but I never really noticed it until I was in 8th grade. It was really hard after my mom passed away, I went from foster home to foster home and it seemed like no one wanted me. Everything was so temporary.
Reasons for being depressed
I had completely shut down and I wasn’t connected with my inner being. I was sexually abused the summer before my 8th grade year. I kept that to myself for a month and when I finally broke down and couldn’t hold it any longer, I was accused of lying and had to move to another home. There was an investigation and it was so hard for me, all the questions and the number of people I had to tell my story to and every single time I was asked to give more detail. It was horrifying going back to that night. I was young and I didn’t understand why anyone would think I would lie about that, it was extremely traumatizing. Now that I’m older, I’ve learned the sad truth that some people do lie about something so serious and it disgusts me. But anway, my detective stopped coming over and I never heard from him again. Recently I heard through the grapevine that my abuser was registered as a sex offender and that his wife still to this day, does not believe me. So there’s that. I also started having really vivid dreams and they got worse overtime. The one that really triggered my depression to its highest peak was about my mom. I dreamt that she showed up at my sisters apartment and she was so different. She came inside and explained to us that she needed to get away, she wanted a new life. She faked her death and escaped from the hospital and changed her name. She then apologized, but I was too hurt to even listen to her. I kept crying and telling her how ever since she left my life had been hell. I woke up from my dream to her giving me a kiss goodbye and walking out my room and I ran after her but she vanished. I know it sounds crazy but my dream felt so real, I was truly convinced. I became so angry inside after that dream. I found a sense of relief when I cut myself one time which soon became a habit. I confessed my dirty habit to my closest friends and they showed me their cuts, it made us closer. We didn’t feel as alone anymore and each day we would share about how much we cut and with what and so on. Looking back it, I’m not sure why we bragged about it so much amongst each other. I guess we just didn’t want to lose that connection, so we stressed it as much as we could. Now I can’t remember the last time I cut, and that brings me true inner peace. Occasionally I will think about it when I feel really low, but then I look at my scars and the feeling goes away. I’m really ashamed of my scars, and I hate when people notice them because I can feel them judging me and having pity for me. I wrote a paper one time about my mom and I ended it with, The pain we feel today will soon be just a feeling from yesterday and since yesterday is past tense and we learn from our past, we can only grow from here on out and the pain we feel today will soon be a scar, a beautiful scar that we can look back at to remind us of our strength. I never connected that piece of advice to my scars from self harm. Hmm.
There are a couple more reasons but I’ll save that chapter for another day. I want to say that I do not encourage self harm, and if you are self harming, know that you are NOT alone and please talk to someone about it. I am no professional but if you ever want to share any stories of any kind, I’m all ears.
Teachers, administrators and several others have always told me how much I’ve changed and grown since they’ve met me. I can finally see the improvement and it’s something I’m really confident about. Don’t ever give up, I promise it gets better. I will be posting poems and a wide variety of topics. If there’s a topic you want to hear from me, or any questions you have, just let me know!
*I will be posting about my thoughts on really strong topics here soon, I will probably put a disclaimer of some sort just as a heads up.